EGGTRAC
by Shenron13
Summary: If you think Kuwabara as an alien, Kurama needing therapy, Hiei being the master of a turkey, Yusuke wetting his pants, and a flying green monkey is funny then this is the story for you. Read as two insane ghosts torture everyone around them.
1. evil ghost and children shows

**Summery: **Join our two ghost guides, Azara and KP, as they host the TV show EGGTRAC also known as Evil Ghost Guides Torture Random Anime Characters. As the title says we will start season 1 off by torturing the Yu Yu Hakusho cast.

**Disclaimer:** We do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Shen: **If you have any torture ideas…Please do tell. (In other words review) WanderingFlame was the other author of this story (check out her bio)!

EGGTRAC: Season 1

Chapter 1: Hiei

Our short tempered, not to mention short height, demon was in a dark room when bright lights were turned on forcing him to blink.

"Welcome to the first season of EGGTRAC! AKA: Evil Ghost Guides Torture Random Anime Characters! Today's volunteered victim is the Master of the Jagan…Hiei!" A snazzy announcer voice called as the audience cast in shadows clapped.

"What the…?" Hiei asked completely confused.

"Now let me have the honor to introduce to you the best, the perfect, the dead, the smart, the evil Azara and KP!" Two girls came on stage. The first had ash blonde hair, pasty white skin, dark green/black eyes, and wore a black kimono with silver dragons. The second had short spiky blonde hair, one grey eye, one crimson red eye, slightly tanned skin, and she wore baggie black pants with a blood red t-shirt. Her skin was splattered with many colors from a previous fight with markers.

"Welcome Hiei, my name is Azara. We would like to thank you for volunteering." The one in the kimono stated as she ran her fingers through her waist long hair that was held back by a black ribbon.

"What! I didn't volunteer for anything!" Hiei yelled.

"Pfft! Of course you didn't." She rolled her eyes and turned to her companion. "KP, tell him about you."

The short girl blinked her multicolored eyes. "Erm…what? What am I suppose to tell them?" Confusion showed on her face.

Hiei muttered under his breath, "Baka Onna."

KP's head whipped toward him and her eyes narrowed into a glare. "What was that tri eye!" She demanded.

"Hn…," was Hiei's response.

"Fine I'll start. See I died one of the coolest death's ever! I drowned in a vat of glue!" Azara said as if it was the greatest thing ever happened to her. Hiei starred. Who was happy about dying?

KP smirked at his expression and stated, "Well I died in an even cooler way! You see we were doing a project in class and I had just gotten into a fight with some markers." At this point she held out her marker splattered arms and continued. "I then slipped on a marker, fell, and had another marker stab me through the throat!" She smiled proudly. Hiei starred at her in disbelief.

"Isn't it Awesome!" Azara squealed.

"No!" Hiei said shocked. Azara frowned.

"Anyways, to start the show off we will begin by tying you to a chair, duck taping your mouth, and make you watch little kid shows!"

Hiei growled. "You're dead human!" He leapt up and punched her only to go through her with a look of disbelief on his face.

KP snickered and kneeled down next to Hiei, who was now sprawled on the floor. "You just don't get it do you?" She asked him.

"Shut up onna." Hiei growled and sat up.

KP whispered in his ear, "We're the living dead. You have no chance." Her crimson eye glowed and seemed to penetrate into his very soul.

"KP, stop freaking out our guest." Azara said sternly. "We get to do that later!" She said that with a nasty smirk. "Now grab his arms and take him to the chair." Together they dragged him kicking, yelling, and cursing to the chair and tied him down. "KP the duck tape."

KP nodded and seemed to grab a roll of duck tape out of thin air. She quickly ripped some off.

Hiei struggled against his binds and yelled, "Don't you dare!" He growled, but no use. KP duck taped his mouth shut. He glared at her and tried to yell, but all of it was muffled.

"What was that? I can't hear you. You seem to have duck tape over your mouth." KP said smirking. She received a death glare from the apparition.

Azara began to laugh. "Announcer fetch me thy TV!" She shouted. She turned the TV to the little kid's station. "We shall return in 15 minutes." They walked off.

15 minutes later.

When they returned both of eyes of Hiei's were twitching and he was sending glare 27 'Shut up or I'll unleash my Dragon of Darkness upon you' at the TV. "Come my evil, deceased companion, now is the time to freak him out." All of the sudden a ghost turkey named Pobble walked up saying, "Leave Hiei alone. Hiei Master."

"Quiet Vapor Brains!" Azara snapped. Hiei sweat dropped. What a hypocrite.

KP stared at Pobble, slightly baffled. "Erm, what's with the chicken?" She asked, poking Pobble.

"Turkey. Turkey." Azara pointed out.

"Toads shall consume you. Peanuts shall rule the world. Penguins will burp." Azara and KP stared at Pobble. Hiei sweat dropped again. At least they forgot about him.

KP stared at Pobble. She then looked at Hiei. "Dude it called you master. I can't believe you of all people would be the master to a chicken." KP stated while shaking her head.

"For the last time. IT'S A TURKEY!" Azara screamed in their ears. KP looked unfazed, Hiei winced, and Pobble said "Gobble Pobble. Gobble Pobble.

KP looked at the turkey. "Gobble Pobble?" She asked. Then she got an evil look in her eyes and a knife appeared in her hand. "Oh, I'll gobble you alright. I'll gobble you down with mashed potatoes and gravy!" She said and advanced toward the turkey.

"Hold it." Azara said. "We're forgetting why we are here." They both turned their heads to give Hiei creepy smiles and stares. Hiei sweat dropped for the thousandth time that day. Oh shit.

KP disappeared and reappeared next to Hiei.

Hiei jumped still tied up. "The Hell!" He nearly yelled.

KP got real close to his face and her crimson red eye glowed.

Azara cackled only to be interrupted by Pobble yelling "No! Not gobble master Hiei gobble!"

"That's it! KP, you take care of Hiei while I depose of this Tur-Key." With that she grabbed the turkey by the feet and dragged it off stage.

KP blinked, her eye going back to normal, and starred after Azara. "Dammit, I wanted to eat him too!" She pouted.

Hiei scooted the chair while KP was distracted. "I'm outta here." He muttered muffled by the tape. He had almost reached the end of the stage when KP turned around and starred right at him. He froze.

"And where do you think you're going?" She asked him as she walked across the stage to him. Grabbing the back of the chair, KP drug the demon to the middle of the stage. She ripped the duck tape off.

"OWW!" He yelled and glared at the girl.

Azara trampled back on stage with an ocean blue bundle in her arms. "KP! Look who I found! It's Potato!" She held up the bundle which turned out to be a small kitten. She opened her eyes revealing sapphire colored irises. In the blink of an eye she was in front of Hiei cutting the ropes. Potato leapt out of her arms and onto Hiei's head making a nest of his hair.

Hiei tried pulling her off. Didn't work. "Dammit! Why won't you come off?" He shouted. Potato turned her head to KP.

"Hello Mistress." She said in a high pitched voice.

KP's eye twitched. "Get off his head Potato," KP hissed at the cat. A look of murder came in her eyes.

Hiei blinked, baffled by the look in her eyes. "Hn."

KP leapt at Potato.

Azara tripped her. "Leave Pot alone. Besides, aren't we trying to annoy him?" She bent down and whispered in KP's ear. "Don't get attached. When evil ghosts love they go bye-bye." Azara straightened. "Now how are we going to torture him?" Hiei groaned. Were they ever going to leave him alone?

KP laid there. Azara's words played over and over again. She wasn't supposed to get attached, but how could she not. She sighed and stood. "You didn't have to trip me," she told Azara in a dull tone.

"I know. But it was fun." She said with a goofy smirk. "Now Hiei, we shall stick you in a room with small singing children and before he could blink he was in a room with bright yellow paint. Azara locked the door and then they walked off to play PS2.

Six hours later

"You think we should check on him?" Said Azara.

KP put the game on pause and looked at Azara. "Yeah, we probably should," she said. Her once bright eyes were now dull and her voice showed no emotion what so ever.

Azara gave her a strange look and began yelling, "Cheer up or else I shall be forced to strangle you to death!" Azara paused. "Oh, wait, you're already dead. Well, that idea went out the window. Anyways it's your turn to pick a torture.

"Hn…." Was KP's reply. She leaned against the wall and looked right at the door Hiei was behind. "So I open it or do you want to?" Came KP's now emotionless voice.

Azara's eye began to twitch. "If you don't be happy, or as happy as a dead person can be, I shall have to…" She shuddered. "…be good." Azara then opened the door expecting Hiei to be crazy only to have him walk calmly out. "Hey why aren't you insane!" Azara accused.

"I killed them all." Came Hiei's short reply.

"Hmm. The director isn't going to be happy 'bout that." As an after thought she added, "Where's Pot?" Hiei pointed to the door. Azara looked in and saw Potato lapping up the blood on the floor. "Stop that! You're ruin your dinner.

KP raised an eyebrow at the cat. "That cat has more problems than me." She muttered. She yawned bored and asked "What now?"

Azara sighed. _Why can't they make her job easy? How hard was it to let someone torture you? _"You can go now ya stinkin' statue. But since you are our first guest, who gets tortured next?"

"Yusuke." Hiei said cruelly.

"Alright! Adios!" Azara said waving a black hanker chief. Where she got it? No one knows. "Anything you want to say to our guest, who by the way, acts more dead than we do."

KP nodded and took a deep breath. "BOOGATY BOOGATY BOO!" She yelled loudly.

Hiei starred at the short blonde at muttered, "Save me from these insane ghosts."

"Insane? Insane!" Azara sniffled close to tears. "That's the meanest thing any ones ever said." She wiped her pearly white tears away. "I'm soo Happy!" She wailed.

KP looked Hiei straight in the eyes and stated, "Luckily for you, you said insane and not crazy." She then walked over to Potato and gave her a good hard kick yelling, "FOUR!" Potato went flying through the air yelling loudly. Noooooooooooooo! Potato!" Azara screamed. She then turned on KP and began chasing her around the stage. Hiei sweet dropped.

KP ran from Azara screaming and flinging her arms about like a moron. "SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM SANTA!" She screamed as she ran past Hiei.

"I am NOT Santa you Moron! And no one will save you!" Azara cackled evilly. "I shall lock you in a bottle for all eternity!"

The producer, a balding man in his forties, spoke. "Announcer, take it away."

"This has been the first episode of EGGTRAC brought you by _NorthWaste_ Airlines providing you a horrible plight plane and _HolidayEnd _for their gruesome bed and blood! See you next time!"


	2. Aliens

**Disclaimer: **We do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

**Shen: **This took a while 'cause my computer hates me. I don't know why.

**Reviews: **

_WanderingFlame: _You forgot how funny it was? U wrote. Smart one isn't so smart is she?

_MasterCylinderX: _If you love the turkey you're going to love this chapter. UM…maybe.

EGGTRAC: Season 1

Chapter 2: Yusuke Shenron13 & WanderingFlame

Azara and KP walked upon the stage. "Welcome to the second episode of EGGTRAC!" Azara yelled as she fingered the black bow around her neck. "Let's welcome our next victim…err… I mean guest Yusuke Urameshi!" Points to Yusuke whose knocked out and tied to a chair. "KP, will you wake him up."

KP nodded and smirked evilly. "It would be my pleasure." She said as she walked over to the unconscious boy. A fog horn seemed to appear in her hand. "Cover your ears." She said before blowing the fog horn right in Yusuke's ear. The blast blew his hair slightly as he jolted awake.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Yusuke yelled, now fully awake.

"Good morning Yusuke." Azara said nicely.

"Who the hell are you!" Yusuke asked confused.

"I'm Azara and that's KP. Now be quite while we torture you." As she was about to tell how they were going to torture him, Popple the dead yet annoying turkey landed on her head.

Yusuke starred at the turkey. "What the Hell is that thing?" He asked.

KP glared at the chicken, I mean turkey. A shot gun appeared in her hands. "That's Popple the annoying chicken, I mean turkey." She said as she loaded the gun.

"Whoa! Don't shoot while its still on my head! Just because I'm dead, it doesn't mean I like getting shot at!" Azara yelled as she trough Popple on Yusuke's head. "SHOOT IT NOW!"

Yusuke panicked. "NOOO! DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT!"

KP aimed for Popple, the annoying chicken…err… turkey.

"DON'T SHOOT DAMMIT! IT'S STILL ON MY HEAD!" Yusuke yelled in panic.

KP smirked evilly and shot Popple dead. He fell off Yusuke's head and Yusuke was fine, just scared shitless. "I never miss my target," she said. She 'accidentally' dropped the still loaded gun. It fired and hit the leg of chair Yusuke was tied to.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Yusuke yelled as the chair fell over.

Azara blinked. "What were you saying about never missing?" She then whispered to KP. "But he's already dead." Then they watched speechless as Popple stood up zombie like with out a head and began running around stage while bumping into things.

"Shit. That's not normal." Yusuke mumbled.

"Who said I wasn't aiming for the chair?" KP asked while watching the headless chicken…err…turkey run around.

"Someone Save Me From These LUNATICS!" Yusuke yelled, struggling to get loose.

A look of fake hurt appeared on KP's face as she said in a fake hurt voice, "You don't like hanging out with us?" Fake tears came to her eyes.

Azara stuck her head in her arms and wailed. They both cried for 10 minutes before they suddenly stopped. "Too bad we don't care." Azara said rather mean.

Before Yusuke could respond, a fur ball landed on his face and began scratching and pulling out his hair. "Aw, look! Potato likes him." Azara cooed.

KP's eye started twitching at the site of the feline. She grabbed Potato by the scruff of her neck. "I wonder if cats fly," KP asked evilly. She then hurled Potato into the air.

Azara didn't move. Yusuke waved a hand in her face. "Is she okay?" He asked. Azara turned to KP. A few minutes pass. Then she jumped on KP and started strangling her. Azara had a strange glow in her eyes.

"I am not getting involved." Yusuke muttered as he backed away. KP was making gagging noises.

KP made more gagging noises and kicked

Azara off. She sat up gasping for air. "What the Hell is your goddamn problem bitch!" KP asked rubbing her sore neck and glaring at Azara.

Yusuke tried to make it off the stage.

KP held up her hand toward the detective, still glaring at Azara, and said, "Binding Shadows!" Shadows held Yusuke, preventing him from moving.

"GODDAMIT!" He yelled in frustration.

"……" Azara didn't say anything. Instead, she grabbed a bloody butcher knife and began walking towards Yusuke.

Yusuke's eyes widen. "HOLY CRAP, she's lost it. Somebody Save Me!"

"Hmmmm…" KP muttered. She shrugged and a bowl of popcorn appeared along with a comfy armchair. "And the fun begins!" She said and started eating popcorn.

Azara paused and then turned towards KP with a bloody glint in her eye.

KP froze. "SHIT. FUCK. DAMN!" She yelled and ran to the other side of the stage, holding her hands in front of her. "Spiritual Barrier!" She said and a barrier, which not even a ghost can get through, appeared around her.

Yusuke ran up and started pounding on the barrier. "GODDAMN YOU! LET ME IN THERE DAMMIT!" He yelled in panic.

Azara stopped and said in a creepy voice, "You know I can break that with my Shatter Spell. But I will forgive you if you do something." Yusuke looked relieved he wasn't going to be killed…again. "And if you don't I'll send you to heaven and him…" She jerked the knife towards Yusuke. "…to hell." Yusuke and KP gulped.

KP laughed nervously and said, "Now now. No need to get hasty." She received a glare from Azara. She yelled in fear and said, "What do I have to do?"

Yusuke had pissed his pants in fear.

"You have to get me a pet alien (from the movie Alien and AVP) and make him clean the stage." Azara looked at Yusuke. "Cause I am so not cleaning that up."

"How the hell am I supposed to get you an alien?" KP asked. She then looked at Yusuke and said, "That is just plain nasty."

Yusuke blushed and stage hands took him away to change.

"Duh! You go to the alien planet, get an egg, have the creature in the egg latch on to a person's face, and then the baby alien pops out of the chest." Azara rolled her eyes. "Sheesh! What are you? Stupid?"

Yusuke had come back on stage. "Oh, yeah! Everybody knows that." He said sarcastically.

Azara took him seriously. "I know."

Yusuke looked at her strangely and took a step back.

KP sighed. "I'll get it for your B-day ok?" She tried to compromise, not wanting to go after it now.

"Yes, but why wait when you can have it mailed by Fed Ex?" Azara questioned puzzled.

Yusuke and KP stood shocked. "You can have something like that mailed!" He said in disbelief.

"Well duh!" Azara rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, idiots."

KP glared and replied, "Well then why don't you get it yourself!"

Yusuke looked slightly uneasy.

Azara held up the bloody knife as the room grew darker. "You want me to send you to heaven?" She whispered in the creepy voice.

"N…No." Yusuke stuttered. "S…She was j…joking, r…right?" He cast KP a frightened glance.

KP crossed her arms. "Yeah sure. Whatever. I'll get you your alien," she said and stormed off.

Yusuke sighed in relief.

"Good. And while she's gone I'll be torturing you." Azara said with a sweet smile.

Yusuke yelled, "WHAT!" Azara snapped her gloved fingers and Yusuke was on a tilted iron table with ropes tied around his wrists and ankles.

She stood straight like an army general and barked "Heave Hoe and Pull." Then without anyone pulling them, the ropes went in different directions stretching Yusuke.

"And if this doesn't work…" Azara said simply, "…at least you'll be taller."

Yusuke screamed in pain. "STOP IT!" He yelled.

KP was off getting Azara her alien.

"Stop whinnying, it's not like I'm killing you. Oh, wait. I am. Never mind." Azara answered. She saw KP coming back.

KP walked on stage with an innocent look. "Well, I got your alien," She said as she yanked on the leash in her hand. Kuwabara stumbled forward. He had on a collar, his hands were tied, and a muzzle was around his mouth.

Kuwabara glared at KP and yelled, "I AM NOT A GODDAMN ALIEN!"

KP raised an eyebrow and pushed a button on the leash, shocking the moron.

Azara muttered, "The ugliness." And then fainted.

"Wow Kuwabara! You make a great animal!" Mocked Yusuke.

"Shove it Yusuke you Bastard!" Kuwabara screamed.

KP smirked and said, "Bad Kuwabara!" She then shocked him again. Kuwabara screamed in pain as he collapsed to his knees. KP stood over him smirking. She thwacked him on the head with a pen. "Good dog." She said smirking.

"I'M NOT A GODDAMN DOG!" Kuwabara yelled, only to be shocked again.

Azara woke up and saw Kuwabara then screamed. Yusuke pondered. "Damn Kuwabara! Your face is so ugly even dead people are frightened!"

"W…w…what about m…my alien." Azara stuttered.

Yusuke tilted his head, "And we were afraid of her?"

KP sighed and a cute alien appeared in front of Azara. "I thought I'd bring two. One ugly and one cute." KP said.

The alien looked up at Azara and said in a cute voice, "MOMMA!"

Kuwabara looked at the thing with pure hatred, only to be shocked again by KP.

Azara smiled and glomped the 'cute' alien. If you call an acid bleeding, drool dripping, reptile like, long head, and kills people cute. "It's so CUUUUTTTTEEEE!

"You CALL THAT CUTE!" Kuwabara and Yusuke shouted in shock at the same time.

"Duh." Azara rolled her eyes.

"He is cute aint he?" KP said smirking. She shocked Kuwabara for the 3rd time.

"DAMMIT! Stop shocking me!" Kuwabara said angrily.

KP raised an eyebrow and said, "You did NOT just say that." Her red eyed glowed eerily.

Kuwabara trembled and stuttered, "I…I'm s…sorry." He trembled in fear.

KP smirked and her stopped glowing.

"Me thinks," Azara said, "I will call you bone. And the first thing I'm going to teach you is how to hunt."

"Hunt?" Yusuke questioned.

"I just found my two helpers." Azara answered giving both boys a malice full look. "Sick 'em Bone!"

Yusuke and Kuwabara screamed and ran around stage while Bone chased them. "I feel sad," Azara stated. "For the people they protect. I mean they're getting chased by something that doesn't even come up to their knees." She paused. "I think this concludes today's episode. Who should we torture next?"

KP was laughing at the two scared boys. She finally calmed down and said in-between laughs, "How about Kurama?" She kept laughing.

Yusuke and Kuwabara were running all over the stage screaming like little girls. Bone wasn't far behind them.

"Sounds good to me! Take it away announcer!" Azara hollered.

"Tonight's episode was brought to you by _Microscythe _providing cruel customer service and Spirit Word for letting us torture their detectives!" The Announcer said.

"Uh……yes for 'letting' us." Azara said nervously. KP and her began edging off stage. "Uh……RUN BONE! RUN!" The three dashed off stage.


	3. Happy Farms and Brain Sucking Toilets

Shenron: Here's chapter 3! Review or face the punishment of a worm!

Summery: (I changed it) If you think Kuwabara as an alien, Kurama needing therapy, Hiei being the master of a turkey, and Yusuke wetting his pants is funny then this is the story for you. Read as two insane ghosts torture everyone around them.

Disclaimer: We do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Reviews:

_MasterCylinderX_: Why thank you. We have lots in store. Being bored does this to people.

_BlackWolfofFire_: You scare me. Like my dog. When I'm thinking evil he gives me this look that makes me fell bad. He's physic.

_WanderingFlame: _Soharsh!cries

EGGTRAC: Season 1

Happy Farms and Brain Sucking Toilets

-Shenron13 & WanderingFlame

"Welcome to episode 3!" Azara shouted with a drooling Bone in her arms. "Today's vic...I mean guest is Kurama!" Azara looked over expecting him to be tied to a chair only to find him sipping tea with some guy in a suit. "Who gave him tea? And more importantly…Who would drink tea?" Azara asked with her tongue sticking out.

KP looked at the tea in disgust and stated, "Really! That shit is fucking nasty!"

Kurama nearly spit out his tea after hearing KP's cursing

Azara laughed and then an evil glint came into her eyes. "Kurama, will you give Bone a kiss?" She asked sweetly.

Kurama's eyes widened. "W…What!"

"Give Bone a kiss." Azara smiled holding the still drooling Bone centimeters from Kurama's face.

KP covered her mouth to stifle her laughter.

Kurama jumped and moved back slightly. He looked nervous. "N…no. I think I'll pass. Sorry.

KP regained control and gave him a stern look. "How could you be so mean! All the poor thing wanted was a little kisses! But nooo you have to be a rude meanie!"

Bone began to chew on his leash and make hissing sounds.

Azara began to cry. "He be s…so mean. B…bully. KP, make him kiss Bone!" She whined.

KP smirked. "It would be my pleasure."

Kurama's eyes widened and he got ready to run.

"Nu-uh!" KP grabbed him and tied him to the chair. "Now be a good boy and kiss Bone." She took Bone and held him in front of Kurama's face, forcing him to kiss Bone.

Kurama paled and fainted.

KP pouted. "That's no fun!"

Azara giggled an KP noted that her eyes weren't wet. She then turned to the man in the suit and said, "Who the hell are you," Eagerly she continued. "…and can we torture you!" Bone hissed and Azara picked him up. "Well, we're waiting."

The man straightened his tie. "I have come to take you to the happy farm."

KP's eyes went wide. "You mean the place that gives you those jackets that make you hug yourself!"

The man sweat dropped. "Umm…yes?"

"NOOOOOOOO!" KP hide behind a leaf. "You can't seeeee me!"

Azara jumped behind KP and pushed her forward. "Take her! TAKE HER!" She then dashed around.

"You can't outrun me." The man said annoyed.

"I know. All I have to do is outrun KP!" Came the reply.

KP blinked. "Huh? Wait…AZARA! YOU TRAITOR!" KP took off after Azara, yelling curses.

The man watched with a sweat drop.

Kurama groaned as he woke up "disgusting" was all he said.

Azara cackled and ran about the stage. "Of course I'm a traitor!" Bone hissed in a laughing way.

Kurama looked confused. "What's going on?" He asked the man in the suit, who will now be known as 'Mis'.

KP stopped. "We are soo stupid!" She said, smacking her forehead. "Why don't we just kill him?"

Mis gulped and got a nervous look.

Kurama was still confused.

An evil glint came into Azara's eyes. "Of course!" Both girls advanced evilly on the two.

"Now, now. Don't be h…hasty." Mis stuttered seeing Bone lick his chops. Kurama edged the chair back.

A devilish grin came on KP's face. "Time to cause pain." She hissed evilly. A black haze rolled across the stage as her red eye started glowing.

Mis cowered in fear.

Kurama's eyes widened in fear and amazement.

Azara looked on eagerly then slapped her forehead. "Duh! Forgot the chair!" She snapped her fingers and Mis was tied to a chair.

"How did you do that?" Mis asked bewildered.

"Don't know. Don't care." Came her reply.

KP kept that same look and slowly made her way toward Mis and Kurama.

Mis paled greatly and fainted.

KP growled at her misfortune. Her attention turned to Kurama.

Kurama became nervous, temporarily losing his cool. "STAY BACK!" He blushed at this sudden out burst of his.

Azara blinked. "Never thought he would lose his cool." She blinked again. "Cool." Then she disappeared and reappeared next to Kurama. She then laid Bone in his lap.

Kurama looked shock. "W…What are you d…doing?"

"You're cute." Azara said. Kurama blushed. "So I'm gonna have Bone drool on you and make you ugly." Kurama's blush faded. Bone started chewing on his sleeve.

KP snickered as she watched the kitsune try and free himself from Bone. "You're not gonna get him off dude. He's hungry."

Kurama glared at KP. "Shut up!"

KP stuck her tongue out at him and flipped him off. "Bite me."

Azara sweat dropped. "It's kind of hard to bite you since you're a ghost." Then she strode over to Mis, picked him up by the front o his suit, and began to violently shake him yelling, "WAKE UP! I KNOW YOU'RE NOT DEAD BECAUSE I'M DEAD!" She continued to shake him but he didn't wake. Azara turned to KP. "I think he fainted."

KP pouted. "Aw man!" A fog horn appeared in her hand. "Time to wake him." She blew it in his ear.

"AHHH!" Mis jolted awake trembling.

Azara snorted. "What a coward." She looked down and screamed. A fat cockroach was on her black boots.

"What a hypocrite." Mis stated.

Azara screamed again and kicked the cockroach on Mis. She threw her arms around Kurama's neck while yelling, "Save me Lady from the monster from the land of the toilet!"

KP fell over laughing.

Kurama twitched slightly. "Don't tell me you're afraid of a cockroach but not an alien?"

KP was rolling around clutching her stomach while laughing.

"Yes. I am." Azara glared. "LADY!" She added.

"I'm not a lady." Kurama said with little patience.

"Sure you aren't." Azara said disbelieving.

Mis grumbled and pulled the cockroach out of his hair. He threw it of somewhere. "Can we go to the clinic now?"

KP suddenly stopped laughing and sat up. "Whoa Whoa Whoa! What clinic! Who said anything about a clinic! This had better not be a cruel joke!" She looked panicked. "You can't make me go back!" She hid in a box that appeared out of nowhere.

Azara stared at KP. "I didn't know you could do magic." Mis and Kurama sweat dropped.

Mis asked, "How can you not know that? You do magic too."

Azara stared at him. "I can!"

KP peeked her head out of the box. "What's all this about magic? Alright, who let the witches in?" She said still hiding in the box.

Azara looked around evilly. "I don't know who let them in?" She paused and pointed toward Mis and Kurama. "BUT THERE THEY ARE! QUICK! GET THEM BEORE THEY TURN YOU IN TO A FLOWER!"

"WHAT!" They both shouted.

"NOOOOOO NOT THE FLOWER!" KP started to panic. She jumped out of her box and ran toward Kurama and Mis. She pulled off her shoes and started beating them.

"OW! OW! OW! OW!" Kurama and Mis screamed.

Azara laughed and told Bone, who was in her arms, "Look at the Lady and Tea Guy get hurt!" She then whispered to Bone. "Don't tell her they aren't witches."

KP kept beating them with her shoes. "DIE DIE DIE!"

"STOP! WE'RE NOT WITCHES!" Kurama screamed at her.

She stopped and blinked confused. "Y…You're not?"

Azara jogged next to KP and whispered, "That is just what a witch would say."

"How do we know you're not a witch?" Mis yelled

"'Cause I'm dead. Duh." Azara pointed out. She snapped her fingers and both boys were tied to chairs. "How shall we kill them?"

The producer spoke up off stage. "You can't kill them."

"Fine then. Torture." Azara replied.

"You can't kill them either." He said.

"Then WHY DID WE PUT 'TORTURE" IN THE TITLE!" Azara shrieked.

The producer said, "Ummmmmmmmmm……….."

KP blinked. "Ok. You lost me way back when."

Kurama sweat dropped.

Mis stared at her like she was stupid. "You're not very bright are you?

"Sure I am! I just have the memory and attention span of a potato!" KP smiled proudly.

Mis shook his head sadly. "You need help."

KP raised an eyebrow. "And your point would be?"

"That's why I've come." Mis said. "To get you help."

Azara yelled, "She doesn't need help!" She snapped her fingers and a metal pole appeared in her hand. In the blink of an eye she hit KP on the head. "See, she's fixed." Kurama sweat dropped.

KP blinked. Her eyes went teary. "I bit my tongue." She then cried over her poor tongue.

Kurama was currently looking for a way out.

"My poooor tongue!" KP wailed.

"That's it! You're coming with me!" Mis started for KP.

KP stopped crying and a bazooka appeared in her hands. "STAY BACK!"

Mis froze. "No need to get hasty." He whispered then fainted.

"Is he on drugs?" Azara asked. She snapped her fingers and Mis was wearing a baby suit. Bone began chewing on the bunny suit's foot. Azara turned to Kurama, "What should we do about you?

Kurama gulped.

KP lowered the bazooka. "OH OH OH! PICK ME!" She waved her hand in the air.

Kurama looked panicked. "NO! Don't pick her!"

KP continued to wave her hand in the air. "PICK ME!"

"I pick………the toilet!" Azara said pointing to a toilet in the corner.

"The toilet?" Kurama questioned.

"Yeah! The toi…" Azara paused. "NO! NOT THE BRAIN SUCKING TOILET!" She screamed and dove behind KP and Kurama.

KP's eyes widened and she looked around in panic. "BRAIN SUCKING TOILET! WHERE!" She paused and a piece of paper and a pen appeared in her hands. "I WANT IT'S AUTOGRAPH!"

Kurama looked at her like she was crazy, which in fact she was!

"Yes, come get my 'autograph' so I can suck your brains out through a bendy straw." The toilet hissed.

"I…IT TALKS!" Kurama stood shocked.

"RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Azara screamed. She threw her arms in the air and ran around the stage.

"RUN AWAAAY!" KP started running around. She was flailing her arms about when she started running toward Kurama.

"CHANGE DIRECTIONS BEFORE YOU CRASH INTO ME!" Kurama tried to move out of the way.

Too Late.

KP ran right into him.

Azara continued to scream and run. The producer shook his head. "I think somebody forgot to tell them they were dead." He turned to the announcer. "I think we better end this before anyone else becomes a ghost. I just might kill myself."

"This episode was brought to you by Fungus Footwear and Brain and Body Works for supplying brain sucking toilets!" The announcer shouted.

Azara and KP were running in the background screaming, "RUN BEFORE YOU BECOME A CHICKEN!" And so Kurama went to therapy for three years and will occasionally scream, "BACK I TELL YOU! BACK!" And poor Mis spent the rest of his life wearing a little white jacket in a little white room.


	4. Flying Monkeys and Vacations

Shenron13: Welcome again! This time it's Koenma! Yay! The fun!

Disclaimer: This story does not belong to us.

EGGTRAC: Season 1 Episode 4

Flying Monkeys and Vacations

By Shenron13 & WanderingFlame

"Welcome to episode four! Today we will be 'assisting' Koenma with his paperwork!" Azara said. She snapped her fingers and Koenma who was in teenage form and tied up in the corner, began to be slapped by his paperwork.

"OW! OW! OW!" He screamed.

"Stop screaming. It doesn't hurt. Oh, wait. It does. There goes that idea." Azara said.

KP smirked. "Let's sick a killer penguin on a sugar high on him!"

Koenma looked at her like she was crazy. He got hit by his paperwork again. "OW!"

Azara yelled, "Let's shove tofu in his ears!"

Everyone stared at her. "Why?" They chorused.

Azara sniffed. "'Cause I can."

"We should shove fries up his nose!" KP grinned.

Everyone looked at her strangely.

KP blinked. "What?"

Koenma was getting hit by his paperwork still.

"Brilliant idea KP." Azara said as she snapped her fingers. The papers fell to the floor. "Now what should we do with him?"

"I already told you! Imma shove fries up his nose!" KP grinned and some fries appeared in her hand.

Koenma's eyes widened. "Don't you dare!"

"Too late!" KP shoved the fries up his nose.

He screamed in pain.

KP rolled her eyes. "Oh be quiet. It's not like I'm torturing you." She paused. "Wait. I am. Forget that then."

Azara laughed and Koenma huffed. "You know I'm the son of King Enma! I could send you to prison!" He shouted.

"We could just phase through the walls. We're dead. Did the fact not sink in the last three episodes?" Azara questioned.

"Fine! I'll send you to hell." Koenma retorted.

"Duck." Was all Azara said.

"Wha-" A flying duck pegged Koenma in the head.

Azara blinked. "I said 'Duck!'."

KP snickered.

"WHAAAA!" Koenma waited and tried to get the now enraged duck off his face.

This caused KP to laugh, hard.

"Tootles? What are you doing here?" Azara asked confused with her head cocked.

"Quack! I've come to eat the munchkin! Quack!" The duck said. It turned to Koenma. Tootles began to chant, "Pickle. Pickle. Pickle." As it started marching towards Koenma.

Koenma screamed.

KP raised an eyebrow. "Dude. What's with the Chihuahua?"

Koenma looked at her strangely.

Azara lowered her eyes at KP. "You call a turkey a chicken, and a duck a Chihuahua. What do you call a cow? A toad?" She snapped her fingers and a dart gun appeared in her hands. She dropped, rolled, landed on her knees, and shot. A dart hit Koenma sticking to his forehead.

Tootles stopped pulling Koenma's hair and remarked, "Wow! Cool! Quack!"

"And they said TV wasn't educational." Azara stated. "I learned that from the sci-fi channel."

KP laughed. "Ha Ha! You got a dart stuck to your head! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!" She kept laughing.

Koenma glared at them all and pulled the dart off his head. "I can send you all to prison you know!"

KP stopped laughing and raised an eyebrow. "And I care because?"

Koenma now fashioned an anime vein on his head.

Azara blinked. "If you need to go to the bathroom say so. Sheesh! No need to act constipated."

"I'M NOT CONSTIPATED!" Koenma shouted.

"Of course you're not. Just like Tootles isn't a dog." Azara said.

Koenma looked confused. "He isn't a dog. He's a duck."

"Yes…" Azara paused. "…before he became a dog."

KP blinked totally confused. "Ok you lost me way back when."

Koenma rolled his eyes. "Why am I not surprised?"

KP glared. "Shut up you stupid fucking constipated baby bitch!"

Koenma blinked startled.

"Bad KP! You can't talk to babies like that!" Azara said. Koenma glared. "They're to stupid to understand." An anime vein appeared on Koenma's head.

KP blinked innocently. "I sowwie mister baby."

Koenma glared.

"Let me make it up to you by tying you down with bricks and throwing you in a vat of ogre sweat." KP grinned devilishly.

Koenma gulped.

"Yes! What a horrific idea! Not to mention smelly." Azara said dancing around.

Producer said, "Did you forget you couldn't torture them?"

Azara blinked. "Who wrote the rules?"

The producer looked confused. "The script writer." Azara walked off the stage. "Where are you going?"

"To make the script writer 'disappear'." She replied and disappeared to find the unlucky writer.

KP blinked. "I feel sorry for the writer." She shrugged. "Oh well." She turned back to Koenma.

Koenma gulped.

Markers appeared in her hands. "FACE PAINTING!"

Koenma screamed.

A scream off stage was heard as Azara's voice said, "Stop acting like a baby. Burning alive doesn't hurt." She paused. "Or does it?"

KP shrugged off the screaming and advanced toward Koenma.

Koenma tried to run off but some vines ensnared him. "Let me go!"

"Um…Nope!" KP grinned and started drawing and writing on his face. She wrote 'I love George' on his forehead in red.

"STOP THIS" Koenma struggled.

"Hold still dammit!" KP slapped him.

Azara stomped back on stage with a nasty smile. She read Koenma's forehead then asked, "You love George? That's gross!"

Koenma glared. "No! This…this…this IMBECILE wrote it on my head!"

They both starred at him. Then questioned, "What's an 'imbecile'?" Koenma sweat dropped.

KP blinked. "Well? What is it?"

Koenma sighed. "It's a feeble-minded person or someone deficient in mental ability."

"Huh?" They responded.

"It's a stupid person." Koenma said with his eyebrow twitching.

"Ohhhh." They stated. "Hey!"

"That's not nice!" KP snapped her fingers and George appeared out of nowhere. "Look George! Koenma loves you!"

"It's what you call baby love!" Azara said smirking.

George blinked looking horrified. "I didn't know you were like that Lord Koenma!"

Koenma glared. "I'm not! This idiot doesn't know what she's talking about!"

KP was trying to balance an egg on her nose. She looked at Koenma and the egg fell. "Who you calling an idiot!" She looked down at the egg. "AHHH!" She jumped onto a chair. "Don't let it eat me!"

Koenma fell over anime style.

Azara ran up and stuck her arms out like a police officer keeping people away from a crime scene. "Back up people! It can eat the bones from your skin! But don't panic!"

George blinked. "Don't you mean the skin from you bones?"

Uh…NO! Duh!" Azara rolled her eyes. Koenma sweat dropped then tripped her so she fell onto the squashed egg. "NOOO! I'M MELTING!" She wailed. Then blinked. "A shell." She held up the said object then starred without blinking.

KP was still on the chair. "AHHH! Someone Save Me!" A little green monkey walked onto the stage.

"Hi. I'm a green monkey!" It waved.

Koenma made a run for it. "RUN GEORGE! RUN!"

Azara looked up and saw them running. "Go shell!" She threw the shell which hit George in the back of the head which made him fall.

"Come on George! This is no time to take a nap!" Koenma said looking back.

George rubbed his head. "But that really hurt."

KP jumped off her chair and pointed at George and Koenma. "Attack my flying green monkey! Attack!"

The green monkey sprouted black dragon wings and screeched as it took flight.

KP laughed evilly.

Azara blinked then screamed. She jumped in front of the monkey as a shovel appeared in her hand. Azara started hitting it. "DIE YOU EVIL BALL OF HAIR! DIE!"

KP looked at her in horror. "NOOOO! NOT MY BABY!" KP grabbed the dazed monkey and held him close.

Azara ran up and kicked the fur ball yelling, "Hike!" The monkey flew hitting Koenma in the head knocking both out. Azara blinked. "Maybe I should have said Fort."

"Noooooooo! Cheeze!" KP ran over and picked up Cheeze the monkey. She cuddled the green fur ball. "My poor poooor baby!" She glared at Azara. "You stupid fucking son of a bitch! She started throwing random stuff at Azara.

Koenma was unconscious.

George was standing there in a dazed, confused state.

"Stop! Ahhhh! Run away!" Azara began to run in circles around George with her arms in the air. "Run from the demon socks before they eat your shoes!"

George looked at her strangely.

KP went back to cuddling Cheeze.

Koenma groaned and slowly woke up. "What hit me?"

KP looked at him. "Cheeze!"

"Cheese?" He asked.

Azara hopped up. "Hairy Cheeze!"

Koenma became confused. "Hairy Cheese?"

Azara's eyes widened. "Hairy Cheeze of Doooom."

George was looking at them all strangely.

Koenma still looked confused. "Hairy cheeze of doom? What the hell is going on?"

KP grinned and held up Cheeze so Koenma could see. "Koenma meet Cheeze. Cheeze meet Koenma!"

Cheeze jumped out of KP's arms and onto Koenma's shoulders. He then started eating the young prince's hair.

Azara squinted at him. "I told you it was the hairy Cheeze of Doooom." She whispered. She wrapped herself in an old blanket that appeared so it looked like a cape. "Flee! Flee! Flee like a flea!" She paused. "Hey! That rhymes!"

The producer sighed. "Let's end this before she goes beyond insane." He looked at Azara who had the cape in front of her eyes like a vampire. "Never mind."

The announcer spoke. "Today's episode is brought to you by Beast from Planet X Zoo providing wild creatures and M & Maggots who would love to dine on you!"

In the background Azara was running around with her 'cape' flying behind her. She was making 'whooshing' sounds. The producer sweat dropped. "I need a vacation. A very long vacation."


End file.
